Friday, January 15, 2010

To My Younger Self

I turn 36 on March 4. My dad said he could easily remember the date of my birth because it was a true command, as in march forth. He was in the National Guard & a bit goofy (still is).

This birthday puts me closer to 40 than 30. I remember when my parents turned 40 and how old that seemed to me then. How little I knew about age when I was 15! But I think I knew even less in my 20s. I was sure my 30s would be dull—all about taking care of the kids and everyday life events.

So far my 30s are far and away the best decade for me. I don’t know what that says since I have faced a divorce and unemployment these 6 years, but it is true. As I work with people who are the same age difference to my daughter as to me, I am constantly biting my lip to keep from saying “you don’t know yet.“

I have often wondered if I went back what would I tell myself? Here are a few:

1. You made the right choice to have your children young. You were in a stable position and if you’d waited you would have been struck by fibromyalgia and perhaps made a different decision. The world would not be the same without my two children in it.

2. You do not need to be a perfect parent to be a great one. I mess up all the time but I forgive myself quicker these days than when they were younger.

3. That nagging feeling? Figure it out, investigate it and fix the problem right away. Mulling on problems keeps them alive.

4. You do not have to give up what makes you happy to be a good wife and mother. Find out what makes you happy and keep doing it. Do not stop being you.

5. Work is NOT everything.

6. Happiness blooms inside you; do not seek it from without first. I have seen people make changes in their lives because they were unhappy; after the glow of the shiny new change dulls the unhappiness sets in again.

7. Second chances happen. Infinity goes in both directions, to quote one of my favorite shows “Bones.“ If it doesn’t work out, it will come around again. Be happy in whatever the moment you are in…you will have the chance to make your dreams come true again.

I’m looking forward to the next 4 years of my 30s. Age is less important than happiness. I can’t believe how quickly time has flown by…seize it and enjoy it now.

Friday, January 15, 2010

January Women’s Initiative Events

The Women’s Initiative in Charlottesville has two events scheduled for Jan. 27.

Warming the Heart: make a fleece throw blanket for yourself or to donate; supplies will be provided. From 9 to 11 a.m. at the Women’s Initiative at 1007 E. High St. Call (434) 872-0047 for information.

One Woman’s Healing Journey: a first-person account of recovery from serious illness. From noon to 1:30 p.m. This is the January luncheon for women where Katharine Scott Gilliam shares her inspirational personal story of her recovery from brain surgery. It will be at the Women’s Initiative, 1007 E. High St. Call (434) 872-0047 for information.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Building Goodness Foundation Seeks Fall Building Project

Building Goodness Foundation (BGF) is now accepting proposals for the third annual Fall Building Project. In partnership with a local non-profit organization, Building Goodness Foundation Fall Building Project brings together skilled volunteers who will consult, design, build or renovate a building that serves a community need in the Charlottesville/Albemarle area. Renovations or additions to existing buildings such as clinics, schools or community centers are examples of likely candidates.  Fundraising for the cost of building materials is the responsibility of the partner agency, although BGF will supplement material needs by leveraging relationships with suppliers.

The 2008 BGF Fall Building Project was at Camp Holiday Trails where volunteers renovated 10 bathrooms (two in each of five camper cabins) to make them handicapped accessible and replaced the roof at the medical clinic. Each cabin required 350 to 400 labor hours. Translated into current economics, the completed project would have cost Camp Holiday Trails $150,000. Working in partnership with BGF, the total cost was $29,000. In 2010 BGF provided “extreme makeovers” for Arc of the Piedmont, Virginia Institute of Autism and Offender Aid and Restoration.

Proposal applications for the Building Goodness Foundation Fall Building Project will be accepted until 5 p.m. on Feb. 26, 2010. BGF project managers will conduct site visits in March. The recipient will be announced on April 16, 2010.

Building Goodness Foundation is a 501(c)(3) organization that constructs clinics, schools, and specialty structures that provide continuous positive benefits to people who need them most. Architects, engineers and skilled craftspeople work alongside dedicated volunteers from all walks of life to construct well-designed and properly engineered structures. BGF builds locally in Central Virginia, in disaster-stricken areas such as the Mississippi Gulf Coast and in developing countries like Haiti and Guatemala. 

Interested applicants should call Ethan Tate at 434.973.0993.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The State of Our Unions

In Jan. 10 Daily Progress, one reporter sits down with an expert at U.Va. about the state of the marriages in our country and how it correlates to the recession our country has faced for the past year plus. I know that money is one of the biggest reasons marriages fail to begin with, so what extra stressors have married couples faced since the start of the “Great Recession?“

By Brian McNeill

University of Virginia sociology professor W. Bradford Wilcox was the lead editor of a new national report called “State of Our Unions” that examines marriage trends amidst the ongoing economic downturn that he calls the “Great Recession.“
Wilcox is director of the National Marriage Project, a nonprofit and nonpartisan research and analysis initiative that moved to UVa in the fall. Wilcox answered questions from The Daily Progress about what role the economy is playing in the current state of matrimony.

Q. The “State of Our Unions” report found that divorce fell during the recession. Why is this? Would the divorce rate increase as couples face more financial challenges?
A. It is true that many couples have been hit hard by the Great Recession. For some of them, the financial challenges associated with the Great Recession—unemployment, a foreclosure, or unpaid credit card debt—can lead to a downward spiral of conflict and recrimination that lands them in divorce court.
But, overall, divorce fell from 2007 to 2008, in the first full year of the recession. Now it is true that some couples seem to be simply postponing a divorce until their primary marital asset, their home, regains its value, thereby allowing them to walk away from their marriage in better financial shape.
But other couples appear to have developed a new appreciation for their marriage and family in these tough financial times. A recent Pew study found that a large minority of families are reporting that the Great Recession has brought them closer together. Couples in this group seem to be rediscovering the classic sociological truth that there is nothing like family to support and sustain you when the going gets tough.

Q. You have observed the so-called “mancession,“ a trend since 2007 in which working class men without a college degree are bearing the bulk of job losses. What does this mean for marriage?
A. Most people do not realize that marriage is in pretty good shape for the college-educated middle and upper classes. Divorce has been falling since 1980 and nonmarital childbearing remains low for couples with college degrees. But for working class and poor couples without college degrees, marriage is in bad shape. Divorce continues to climb for this group, as does nonmarital childbearing. In fact, couples without college degrees are twice as likely to divorce as couples with college degrees.
One of the big factors driving this “divorce divide” is male (un)employment. In recent years, college-educated men have done all right financially but working class men have not. They have seen their real wages fall and their rates of unemployment rise. Consequently, working class men are less attractive to the women in their lives as husbands and providers, and they are less likely to see themselves as capable of being good husbands and providers.
Unfortunately, the Great Recession has hit working class men especially hard; in fact, men without college degrees now have the highest levels of unemployment of any major group in America. So I would predict that divorce and nonmarital childbearing will continue to rise among poor and working class Americans.

Q. Once the economy begins to improve, what do you expect to see happen with regards to marriage?
A. It depends on the cultural consequences of the Great Recession. If this recession has an enduring effect on the ways in which Americans think about family and thrift, I would predict that we will see stronger marriages in the nation.
The State of Our Unions notes, for instance, that couples who do not spend beyond their means and build up assets are more likely to enjoy happy and stable marriages. So if the country witnesses an uptick in thrift, we can also anticipate improvements in married life.
But if the cultural consequences of the Great Recession are shortlived, and people do not treat their families and finances with care, then I would predict more challenges for marriage and family life in the United States.

Q. Has the recession affected couples decision to get married? Are couples choosing to delay marriage because of financial concerns? Or are they deciding to get married at a greater rate because they want a dual income and tax benefits?
A. The marriage rate has fallen modestly in the last year. Part of the story here is that couples are waiting to get married until the recession ends and their financial prospects improve.
But part of the story is that a growing number of couples are postponing marriage indefinitely, or not even giving it serious consideration, because their financial prospects are not bright enough to give them a reasonable shot at the American dream.

Q. As more couples stick together during the recession, are there any drawbacks? Infidelity? Spousal abuse?
A. I think the biggest drawback to this trend is that some couples with high levels of conflict—e.g., domestic violence—are, in all likelihood, not separating. For these couples, divorce may be the best option, especially because children do best when their parents part if their marriage is marked by a pattern of serious, ongoing conflict.
But bear in mind that most divorces involving children are not associated with such high levels of conflict. Current research suggests that children are most likely to suffer from a divorce if their parents divorce for reasons of unhappiness, because one spouse feels like the other spouse is not sufficiently engaged emotionally in the relationship, or for some other reason that is not related to a pattern of high conflict.
These low-conflict divorces seem particularly hard for children because the divorce comes largely as a surprise to them and leaves them with the impression that no relationship or marriage can be sustained over the long haul.
So if the recession is reducing these low-conflict divorces, that may be one of the few silver linings associated with today’s tough economic times.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Update on Fitness

So, I have not exactly kept up with the resolution—yet. I did write my exercise goals into my 2010 day planner—how many calories did that burn? I did not walk the goal of two days a week for 2 miles during my vacation. Well, that is probably because I walked WAY, WAY more than that for the 13 hours a day for two days I walked through the Walt Disney World theme parks.
I ate pretty sensibly during most of the vacation, but I was no saint. Plus, I ate an entire box of Pot of Gold chocolates by myself once I was home and facing the return to work. I have to forgive myself for the slip up and move on.
This Saturday I am meeting other women members of Team CHO as we map out a training plan for the Martha Jefferson MJ8K Run and 4K Walk on March 13. Some of these ladies are already runners, but others are just like me so I am encouraged in that I am not the only former couch potato looking to make a change. I do still plan to go it as a walker, but it will be great to have a true fitness plan as I ready myself for this event. I am truly hoping that I am not just readying myself for this event as I am for an entire year of fitness.
The spring will usher in softball for me again—I cannot wait to be back on the field again after taking the fall season off. I will let everyone know how my fitness plan shapes up after the Saturday coffee meeting with the wonderful ladies I have met on Twitter the past 6 months.
Anyone who is interested in getting additional information about the event itself should visit http://tinyurl.com/ygmtmyv.

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