Relationship Matters: Abuse in the Family

By Kimberly S. Kelly

At some point in time, you have either observed and or been a casualty of some form of abuse. Sadly, the statistics are overwhelming in the area of relationship abuse. This does not just mean even heterosexual relationships; this is also homosexual relationships, too. Typically, when one is being victimized by their abuser they usually trust that their children do not hear, see, or sense the things going in the home; admitting this would make the abuse real. Children know more than you think they do.

Regrettably the victims on occasion will think that since this abuse is not directed at the child, the child was in their room, or the child was asleep that it is tolerable because they (victim) are taking the burden of the abuse, and the child will be just fine. This is wrong!

What do children see, feel, think and hear? Well, they see what you see, but in a more powerful manner. Imagine, not having the ability to feed yourself, support yourself, protect yourself or someone you love, basically being totally helpless in every way possible; and then witnessing abuse on a daily basis. Do you have any idea how petrifying this could be?

Have you ever wondered why a child who lives or lived in a home with abuse acts out in various ways throughout their life? The answer is quite simple, that child is fighting ghosts of their past: they are angry and scared. They are combating each person they see as a likely abuser, and lashing out on each could-be victim for not defending them in their child-state, no matter how old they are today. They also, sometimes, hurt others before they get hurt; they do not want to look helpless again. There are other consequences for the child who just witnesses such abuse in their home such as lower IQs, lower grades in school, eating disorders, becoming an abuser, suicide, body dysmorphic disorder, cutting/hair pulling, mental illnesses, PTSD (such as from what the veteran’s experience post-war), and hundreds more.

Have you ever said or heard a victim of abuse say that they would never let anyone hurt their child(ren)? I know that I have heard this numerous times and it dumbfounds me that victims cannot see their failure to get out of the relationship IS harming the child. I have heard people say they would rather have been beaten as a child than to have heard the verbal abuse or observed their mother be physically abused, for the reason that the bruises heal(ed) and the fighting stopped with some reprieve. Yet, the words said and the videos in their minds of the hitting and pushing are left playing recurrently in their heads for life. Now, yes, I know realistically the thrashings are just as unscrupulous as the verbal or sexual abuse.  However, they all leave open lacerations that by no means heal on these children, unless help is sought for the child or either as adult on their own.

I know those in their 40s and 50s who still will walk and talk in their sleep, wet the bed at night, cringe when someone moves too quickly, and/or becomes terrified when someone in a public place raises their voice a little too loud. These are all signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is what we classically see in servicemen and servicewomen who suffer trauma(s) in combat. Can you imagine how stressed a child must be to develop the same disorder that a veteran gets from combat? The point being made is a child who lives in a home where abuse is present compares to that child living in an active war zone. The most disconcerting thought is, these servicemen and women who go to war and still come home with PTSD are professionally prepared for combat mentally, physically and spiritually; additionally most go to war with the loving support of friends, family and strangers. These children are not supported by anyone, and they certainly are not trained in any way except to be a ghost in the house and conform to the atmosphere to make sure they are not seen or heard. That child would hate to be the cause of mom’s black eye or even worse, their death. Because this is how this child thinks, ‘if I ask for food and the abuser gets mad at mom because I was not fed fast enough, he/she she may get killed or beaten, and it will be all my doing.’ What a horrible feeling that must be to be child who feels that they have no one to turn to.

Now some may say that the victim is supporting the child, but, I must ask HOW?  How can someone who cannot protect themselves protect a child? They cannot if they leave the situation ‘as is.’ However there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there are ways out, such as 911 and or other local resources. Ladies or gentlemen, abuse victims, if you don’t believe me, next time you have an opportunity; take the time and sit down and talk with your child. Find out how your life is upsetting your child’s life. Remember they did not ask to be here, but you made a choice to bring them here; they depend on you for their emotional, physical and spiritual health. Therefore, take care of your uppermost responsibility, your baby, and then yourself, which sometimes means putting yourself first and preparing a safe way out for you and your child(ren). This is not self-centered, this is self-sacrificing.

In conclusion, I must say there are hundreds of resources to get assistance. If a person feels they need someone to help them get out safely or they need counseling, do not be ashamed to ask and go forward—remember you are the victim and there is no shame in getting yourself and your children into a safer environment. I will post a few links to get the ball rolling and open your and your children’s eyes to a safe world of hope and laughter. This is Kimberly Kelly saying “Think Twice, or Ask for Advice,” thanks again for your entire readership and I continue to look forward to your comments.

If you know someone who is or whose child is in trouble and could use some help, call your local police or department of social services. Please do not feel that you are interfering in a negative way; truly sometimes our rewards do not come here on earth for the kindness and compassion we show for others, especially for a child who is living in a war zone.

Shelter for Help in Emergency (SHE)
Social Services

My name is Kimberly Kelly, I am presently a Commission of Marriage in Virginia and I own Dream a Little Dream Weddings. I am working on a Master’s of Professional Counseling at Liberty University specializing in Pre-marital, Marital, and Family Counseling. I am married to my high school sweetheart and we share two beautiful children. I love writing this column for Charlottesville Woman Magazine as this gives me great pleasure to help others with their relationship problems or just questions.