Relationships Matter: Toxic Relationships

By Kimberly Kelly

Q: I have this friendship thing … it was just toxic. The issues in her life—and our different parenting styles—were just too much. She also can’t see the forest through the trees (she doesn’t see she’s a factor in her kids’ poor decisions)…but we don’t need to include all her details. Basically, I would like to know how to handle when a close friendship breaks up…suddenly you have this free time you would have spent talking/hanging with the other person…now you can’t. You have bad (or good) news and no one to share it with in the same way. And when you know she’s upset, talking about you and you want to move forward but still feel a little stuck. Then what?

Dear Done with a Toxic Friend,

Growing up is one of the most bitter-sweet parts of life that can, will and does happen! From the time that we are able to realize that other people can bring us pleasure and or pain we start making friendships and/or bonds that tie us to another person, whether we like it or not. Each point in our lives, called stages, we will find ourselves closer to one person over another and maybe five years later we may be closer to someone totally different. What I am getting at is that sometimes we do nothing to lose a friendship or relationship except for all of the right things—such as growing up, gaining maturity, gaining more wisdom, financial reasons, education and career. All of these can create a huge wedge between two friends, eventually at some point in time.

The worst part of losing a friend is the pain and the guilt associated with the loss, and other parts of the grieving process. Losing a friend, going through a divorce, a child moving far away are all comparable to a death and the grieving that is associated with death. However, there is one cruel trick to this though and that is that the person is still here and yet you and/or him/her are not healthy in some form to be around each other.

I have heard that many of friends have split because of beliefs; well this is the deal, if one’s friend is not on the same page with child rearing, religious or political beliefs and the other is trying to force beliefs on the other, than this friendship was over the minute that you did not accept the other for who they are, NOT want you want them to be! Other times we do hear this fairly new term in relationships: “toxic”, toxic friendships are not good just as toxic relationships are bad! If a relationship is toxic than this typically means that the combination of the pair is not working, usually one of the two is sucking the life out of the other with questions, problems and other negative behaviors.

In this world today, we have too much drama already to contend with, the last thing we need is a “friend” creating more chaos our lives. Some people, such as me, go to school to listen to people like Captain Chaos, and this is where Captain Chaos needs to go instead of taking away from happy and fun moments in a friendship. Therapists are great, and if you have found the correct therapist than you will feel as if you are talking with a friend.

The bottom line is, ladies and gentlemen, if you are in a one-sided friendship then maybe it is time to reevaluate this relationship and see if it is ‘working’ for you. If you feel tired, dread the phone ringing from that friend, you are always buying lunch and dinners whether they are dining in or out, and other small things that make you feel negative feelings, then it is time to let go, But before you let them go, try and have a heart-to-heart with this friend. The best approach with the subject is to use the light-hearted approach, bringing in light humor but all at the same time making sure that you are setting boundaries that are important to your physical well-being, spiritual health and mental health.

If this does not work and the friendship is truly over, then it is time to befriend you. Get to know you and who you are, sometimes we can be are best friend all along and never knew it! Meanwhile think outside the box for friends and try on some new friendships; you may have outgrown your old friend and this means finding someone who is more on your level in all areas that are important to you! Take up a hobby, reconnect with old school mates and see if that someone from your past may be in the same boat you are. Typically we all go through changing friends around the same ages and stages, high-school graduation, college years, marriage, children at many different stages, menopause, retirement, empty nest syndrome, and this list could continue through the night. But, nevertheless invest in yourself and love who you are, because when you love you everyone else will love you, too! The glow that you give off draws in positive people, just like thinking and acting positive will cause you to start being more positive without even thinking about it! This is my final thought, befriend you, love you and encourage you… you are your best friend.

This is Kimberly Kelly saying, “Think twice or ask for advice from Relationship Matters”.

My name is Kimberly Kelly, I am presently a Commission of Marriage in Virginia and I own Dream a Little Dream Weddings.  I am working on a Master’s of Professional Counseling at Liberty University specializing in Pre-marital, Marital, and Family Counseling. I am married to my high school sweetheart and we share two beautiful children.  I love writing this column for Charlottesville Women’s Magazine as this gives me great pleasure to help others with their relationship problems or just questions.