The Left Behind, Suicide in the Family

By Kimberly Kelly
*This post is dedicated in memory of her father*

This month I would like to take the opportunity to write on a topic that is held very close to my heart; due to the tragic death of my 47-old father three years ago. This August he would have celebrated his 50th birthday, but instead we visit a grave and talk to his pictures to celebrate. This is my first time publically writing on his death and the effects on the family and those “left behind.“ When I lost my dad from his suicide I made a vow to myself, my dad, and God that I was going to go back and finish my master’s degree to try and help others who are hurting. My goal was to reach one person, and now I am beyond that goal well into reaching thousands, and I hope that my readers take this article to heart and for the value and weight that the seriousness of this issue holds!

No one could have convinced me that my father was suicidal and would act on it; but this is what every family feels when they lose someone to a suicide. It was a shock to me because I always thought of my dad as the picture of good mental health. I recall my step-mom having several conversations with me stressing her concerns about my dad’s behavior and how weird he had been acting; I thought maybe she was going crazy. It could have never been my dad acting that way. However, I had become worried enough to have a conversation with him about how everything would be OK, and I never picked up that he would be serious about ending it. There is supposed to be warning signs, but sometimes clarity and all-knowing visions of these wondrous signs and symptoms only come in hindsight, which we all know is 20/20.

My mission in this world now is to help prevent other children and families from experiencing this horrible pain that seems to never get better, and save them from having the feeling of unanswered questions for what seems to be eternity. There are so many questions that we, the left behind, are left with in our bag of sadness. Being one of the “left behind” feels like I am sentenced for life to question the suicide every day; everyone who has lost someone to a suicide will question at least once per day some question relating to WHY. This is the life sentence that I am talking about. The left behind are wandering around, lost, trying to find their way with a ghost. The truth is they are gone and a ghost is not going to have a future with your family, but your family is still here and you can have a great and wonderful future; filled with wonderful memories of the past.

Mental illness comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, financial status and educational levels. Sometimes even mental health providers do not even recognize it when the individual has learned to split their lives into two separate worlds, when they have a secret world that they go to and that is where they allow the depression to take over and then they grab a hold of it and come back to the part of their lives that we see, the happy and satisfied individual. There are some signs that are not so hard to hide, such as over doing alcohol, drugs (prescription and illegal), a change in sleep habits and a change in eating habits.

If you know someone that you feel could be a suicide victim, don’t wait until it is too late, call someone and start seeking help for them. There are laws that will protect you trying to help them. But, the most important thing is get rid of all the items that they could use in the commission of a suicide out of the house! If there are guns, take the bullets and the guns, knives, ropes, whatever. The crisis manuals from school taught us that men tend to choose a more gory method for suicide, such as gun shots wounds, and hangings, but women are more likely to overdose or do something that is less messy. The other fact a lot of people do not know is that suicides can be catching or contagious, meaning that when one commits this act there is a good chance that someone else in the family will commit suicide, or someone close to that person.

Suicide is a devastating act, and scars people deeper than one would imagine. It tears families apart and causes wars throughout the families and homes. They feel angry, scared, and more often than not, they feel guilty.

A lot of people wonder why people kill themselves and it is a great question … mental illness is the top reason, then you have financials (which is very popular in this current economy), relationship issues and past traumas that won’t heal, or a combination of these things. Usually the individual gets to the point of hopelessness, they feel that this is not worth the pain and they have run out of coping abilities. 

This is where we come in. Yes, us, family and friends, we are to help them cope and sometimes this means picking up their burdens and carrying that burden for a while. If you are on a camping trip and your friend’s backpack hurts her back so bad they need to stop and be left behind while everyone else goes on, you would not leave that friend in the woods alone. You would pick up their bag and carry it for them. It is the same principal for the suicidal individual; they need help and someone to be there for them. The suicidal person already feels isolated and unloved and feels that the world is against them. The key is to make them feel important and needed.

What to do with the family that has been left behind? I suggest grief counseling, even a group that specializes in suicides, individual counseling, and don’t stop talking about it.  The minute you stop sharing and talking about it is the minute you start to be isolated in your own pain of being left behind. The truth of the matter is there are thousands of people who feel left behind, and you can help each other heal by sharing your story of loss, you create a new story of hope in a new future. Don’t let your family get sucked into a hole filled with pain or they will drown in their own pain. Create a new normal for your home and your children, a new normal with hope and light.

This is Kimberly Kelly with Relationship Matters, saying: “Think twice or ask for advice!”

My name is Kimberly Kelly, I am presently a Commission of Marriage in Virginia and I own Dream a Little Dream Weddings. I am working on a Master’s of Professional Counseling at Liberty University specializing in Pre-marital, Marital and Family Counseling. I am married to my high school sweetheart and we share two beautiful children. I love writing this column for Charlottesville Women’s Magazine as this gives me great pleasure to help others with their relationship problems or just questions.