When Mental Illness Strikes Home…

By Kimberly Kelly

Q. Miss Livin’ in Hell writes: “Dear Relationship Matters, I have a family member whom I love very much but is very sick and his behavior is horrible and scary. Just when I think he has forgotten about us after years of him trying to dismantle my life, he pops up again with more ranting and raging and honestly it is darn right scary and exhausting. My husband, children, mother and other family members are so sick and tired of this craziness; he is such a good liar that even medical professionals have been fooled by him. This family member was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and we feel like there may be more, due to the evil things and words this person says and does. This list is so extensive it is not even funny. I am basically stalked online, through other people, and this person feels like his opinion is the fact and that is it. You are not allowed to live your life the way you want, believe what you want or oppose a thought. If you do, you will be screamed at, threatened, called a hundred times having to listen to him scream and rant and rage in the phone for days and that’s if he doesn’t choose to show up in the yard scaring the heck out of my family. He has tried to get me in trouble with my children at their school, tried to have me thrown out of my school, has caused me to lose jobs, caused my siblings to not even be able to be treated for a serious disease because he has called the doctors and claimed to be caring and state that someone was a drug addict. As you can see we are ALL worn out and do not even know if you can tell me how and can my family heal from this, if it is possible?

A. Miss Living in Hell, it sure sounds like your family and you are going through one heck of an ordeal. Honestly, I was not sure how to answer you initially except to tell you to pack up and go in the Witness Protection Program. When you are dealing with someone such as this, it seems like it will never end and you will never get any peace and quiet. It sounds like you are actually looking over your should every chance you get and feel as if you are living to please someone—who sounds as if they will never be happy no matter what. First, I hope that this gentleman is in counseling; secondly I hope that the counselor is equipped to take on a Borderline because a majority of the textbooks tell us counselors who are counseling a BPD patient that we must be under the care of a counselor, too, for our own protection.

Unfortunately, this mental illness has the capabilities of being very dangerous and manipulative. I looked this up after receiving your letter to find some flat out horrifying stories about people who have dealt with this very same scenario. I did find that for some the solution was to literally move and change numbers and not give that information to anyone who will contact that individual. It seems that they created their own witness protection program so to say. But what I will tell you, is EVERY TIME, and I mean EVERY TIME, you have a run in with this individual go to the police, they will keep a log of this behavior and if it is worth pressing changes DO IT! There are usually Witness and Victim Coordinators with local counties or cities that can help you gather a game plan to stay safe. You should also keep a diary of his behavior, calls and visits in case you ever need to provide some form of proof to get him help and you the proper protection. Put nothing past someone who is so sick, you must remember that they have NO control over their verbal, physical or emotional control at all. It is like that animal instinct is always ready to rip someone apart. Another suggestion is the book “Walking on Eggshells” it does have some great resources in it to help you cope with the why’s of this illness. 

Lately, I have heard more and more stories about couples, families and individuals having issues with people who suffer from mental illness. This seems to be so wide spread and out of control; and the worst part is the laws to protect them from themselves and to protect you from them. Over my short life I have had my fair share of run ins with people who are sick and it is a very heartbreaking thing to see and deal with, However, when the person becomes violent or they begin to threaten your peace and your life it is not OK to stay around. No, I am not talking about a bad made-for-TV movie, they have to get the ideas from somewhere. Obviously, most are not that extreme; but there are some that are plain evil or scary to handle. Most therapists recommend setting boundaries with these individuals, needless to say, I do not believe that they have actually dealt firsthand with someone who has made you their hate target!  There are love targets, obsessive targets and hate targets.

So what does it look like when you are a hate target? Well the person may decide that they are constantly going to microscope your life, stalk you online, stalk you through friends and family, keep journals on you of things that are only in their heads, come by your home and assault you in various ways—verbally, physically, emotionally and spiritually—and, last but not least, they will make you question your very existence. Often, when you try to set boundaries it does not help or they more violent or threatening or they start calling more people behind your back trying to destroy your character. This does happen.

What I would like to remind you of is that you are not to ever live up to anyone’s standards other than your own. Remember that your friends and family are your allies and are there to listen and help take some of the weight off you. Also, allow others to step up and help with this situation even if that means that the state must step in and get involved. If he does end up getting committed that is a good thing, it is to help him not hurt him. A lot of people feel that commitment is cruel, but it is not. It is a process that is designed to help people who are so sick. Read all you can and research; this will help you to know that you are not alone and this is not in your head. Keep your family in the loop on this; allow your husband to talk with you about solutions as this helps him feel in control of being your protector while at the same time he will stay emotionally close with you. 

Miss Living in Hell, I hope and pray that this will get better; you should also consider getting a counselor as well to help you find more solutions to handling this situation and as I stated earlier you can always contact the police and or your local victim coordinator for your commonwealth attorney’s office. This is a serious situation and you have every right to protect yourself and your family; and just because someone is mentally ill does NOT allow them nor give them the rights to destroy you, your family and your lives. I wish you all the luck in the world and please keep us informed of how this turns out; which we are voting for ALL GOOD NEWS!

This is Kimberly Kelly with Relationship Matters, saying “Think twice and ask for advice.” 

My name is Kimberly Kelly, I am presently a Commission of Marriage in Virginia and I own Dream a Little Dream Weddings. I am working on a Master’s of Professional Counseling at Liberty University specializing in Pre-marital, Marital and Family Counseling. I am married to my high school sweetheart and we share two beautiful children. I love writing this column for Charlottesville Women’s Magazine as this gives me great pleasure to help others with their relationship problems or just questions.