One Brick Short

Alaska is, perhaps, America’s final frontier and as anyone who’s ever lived near a frontier will tell you, that kind of environment attracts whackies and vice-presidential candidates who want to keep a close watch on Russia from their living room picture windows.

For instance, in Fairbanks, state police pulled over a driver who was tooling about in a stolen Ford Escort. I know what you’re thinking, you’re wondering what kind of nincompoop would steal a Ford Escort. Surely there must have been other, more trendy cars in the parking lot. I mean, if you’re going to go to jail for grand theft auto, stealing a Ford Escort will put you on the bottom bunk in the crowded cell, not a pleasant place to be.

Anyway, so this zoomie was tooling in his taken Escort when the one trooper Gov. Sarah Palin did not dismiss pulled him over and informed the man he was being arrested for car thievery. This boggled the man’s mind. Seems he didn’t even know his car had been stolen.

The man, Charles J. Schultz, explained that the trooper was wrong. He told the cop that he was driving his Chevy Cavalier and everything was fine. That’s when the trooper informed Schultz that he was actually behind the wheel of the Escort.

Police charged Schultz with auto theft, felony driving under the influence and misdemeanor misconduct. Felony stupid charges are pending. Police noted that the 27-year-old’s blood-alcohol content of .166 far outweighed his IQ.

To make matters worse, Schultz actually accidentally stole the Escort while it was parked in the lot of a gentlemen’s club. Why they call them “gentlemen’s clubs” is anyone’s guess, being as they are seldom, if ever, frequented by anyone who would qualify as a gentleman, but by dim people spending their rent money in dark places.An officer spotted the stolen Ford two hours later with Schultz driving.

Schultz swore he had no memory of taking the wrong vehicle outside the club. Although he had no political ambitions before his arrest, his choice of taking an Escort at a gentlemen’s club has state authorities investigating him as a potential successor to Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens.