Upon Further Review

Folks, I’m witchoo. And when I say, “I’m witchoo,“ I mean, you know, I’m totally witchoo. (“My Blue Heaven.“ A wonderful movie.)

So, to summarize, I’m witchoo.

I’m sitting there watching Buffalo Gap’s Sara Lamneck, again, own the paint. And then I’m watching Broadway’s Katie Hottinger and Lindsey Poirot do the same whenever Lamneck’s on the bench and—near the end of the game—I’m watching Hottinger score at will. Then Holly Morgan hits a 3 to end the first-quarter and, well, you realize she hasn’t lost that touch. Oh, and here comes Morgan again with another 3. And, well, I’m not too sure, but I do believe that Lamneck just put in another bucket. Yeah, that makes it 24 for the night.

You still with me? Because, well, I’m witchoo. Don’t forget that. Let us continue . . .

Then, all of a sudden, Nicole Biller takes advantage of Hottinger and Poirot’s inside play, decides tie a school record and sinks five 3s. All the while, I’m still thinking, man, Gap coach Chad Coffey could pass as a student at the school. And why the heck did he, and really, any coach for that matter, wear a sport coat with that shirt and tie if he’s going to take the darn thing off 30 seconds into the game? I mean, and let’s be honest with each other here, who has that kind of money in this day and age to get a sport coat — and a nice one at that, one that went, dare I say, perfectly with his Buffalo Gap gold shirt and tie — dry cleaned once a week? And, geez, did Broadway steal that American flag that covers a quarter of the gym wall from a car dealership? Seriously, I’m just asking.

Then Brian Alger says he’s happy with the inside play from Hottinger and Poriot’s (well, of course you are, coach) and Coffey says he needs to find another post presence to, you know, give a helping hand to Lamneck down low. Of course, you silly, Coffey would rather see more 10s and eights in the total-points column of his scorebook. “It’s team basketball,“ he says. And Lamneck’s father, F.C. (“Fried chicken,“ he says with a laugh when he tells you what it stands for), is screaming “Go Snake” and “Snakeypoo” at his daughter every time she touches the ball. (Note to “those other” kind of parents: See how F.C. doesn’t scream at the refs or tell the coach how to coach? Good. Learn from fans like this, will ya?)

You still with me? Because I’m still witchoo. I thought we established this already.

And I’m walking out the backdoor of the gym because there’s no place to park at Broadway out front (at least not Tuesday night) and, sure, I have a drive ahead of me and such.

But despite of all of this. Despite Lamneck, Broadway’s two towers, Biller deciding it’s high time to tie a school record, Alger being happy with the pair’s inside play, F.C. yelling “Snakeypoo” and Coffey, not only ruining a sport coat, but looking like a 17-year-old kid, I’m still thinking: If a Gobbler is a male turkey, then how the heck does “Lady Gobbler” make any, any, any sense?

See, told you I’m witchoo.

And another thing: Let’s turn the clock back to Halloween night and I’m at the Buffalo Gap vs. Riverheads game in Swoope. (See, still witchoo.) Walking along the sidelines I’m talking to former Gladiator quarterback Jacob Hutchinson (yeah, so I name drop. Big deal.) and Doug Harris jumps in the conversation. Harris, who used to be a sports freelancer at The News Virginian, is now is the Gladiators’ JV girls basketball coach and standing next to him is Brittany Heizer.

“Get used to this name,“ he tells me. Well, geez Doug, if you’re a fan of Riverheads basketball, doesn’t that mean you’re already used to the name Heizer?

Well, all Brittany Heizer does Tuesday is dump in 11 first-half points against Parry McCluer. Oh, and then coach Dickie Bell coins her the team’s quiet leader.

So, yeah, looks like Harris was right.

But wait, it gets better: Heizer says she wishes she could have rebounded more.

Set F5 key to Brittany Heizer? Check.

Hey look, I think Lamneck just put in another bucket.

So did Hottinger.

Someone, anyone, I really don’t care who, just tell R.E. Lee’s Dae Quan’ Scott that, well, being this good in that many sports just ain’t fair.

I’m just saying.

Seriously, no fooling here. Someone, anyone, become a second inside option for Buffalo Gap’s girls. Anyone, really.

Twenty-three points, six rebounds and six steals? See, told you that you’d have another season of yelling out “Boooooooooone” Jones.

Hey, I don’t know about you (again, though, I am witchoo), but I can’t wait until Friday. Why? Well, silly, just look at the schedule. That’s when the R.E. Lee girls head up to Broadway. Or, as I will call it from now until then, the night we get to see Hottinger and Daquaa Scott pick each other apart in the lane like they’re harvesting arugula.

What’s arugula? It’s a vega-table.

Lock. This. Thread. Now.