Here we are in the final week of Christmas and I have no idea what to get my wife.

I could risk it all and purchase nothing and on Christmas morning as she searches beneath the tree for her presents and finds none, I could say: “Darling, I was going to give you a boat load of presents, but decided that the greatest gift I could give you is my unconditional love.”

Yeah, right. That might work in Harlequin Romances or during a Hallmark Channel holiday movie, but in the real world, women like presents. The unconditional love thing is great, but tangible signs of unconditional love are what they really want.

I have decided the real reason women like nice things from their husband is so when other women ask, “So, what did your husband give you for Christmas?” they can answer with a long list of products from Victoria’s Secret, Bath and Body Works and Garden Botanika. Of course, when speaking to other women, the Sears’ appliances or the Black and Decker hand-held devices they received from their husband are conveniently left off the list. Otherwise, they would be embarrassed to admit they married a jerk who didn’t know the definition of “romance.”

The whole holiday gift-giving concept is tough on guys. We lack the essential gene that would otherwise enable us to pick out the perfect gift for the opposite sex. First of all, to purchase a gift, one must shop and I am sure I speak for most of the male population when I say we don’t enjoy shopping. If we need a tool or an auto part, we walk into the hardware store or into the auto parts store, buy the item, and leave. No browsing is involved. I would rather walk naked into a den of rattlesnakes than go browsing for a woman’s gift at a mall where a horde of parents are on a rampage in search of the last Xbox on Earth. The rattlesnakes would surely be more civil.

So, after we muster up enough courage, we pull on our armor and head for the mall. We wander aimlessly in search of that one gift for our wife that will allow her to hold her head high when asked by a fellow female friend what she received from her husband.

Truthfully, the whole retail world is out to make fools of men. Take for instance dress sizes. What is that all about? If I want a pair of pants I search the racks for a waist size of about 38 to 40 inches—depending on how much I ate for lunch. Now when you look for a nice dress for your wife, the sizes are something like a 7 or an 8 or a 9. My wife is not overweight by any means, but I really don’t think the circumference of her middle is 7 or 8 or 9 inches. I doubt she’d appreciate me coming home with a dress size matching my estimation of her waist circumference. Come on retailers, make it easier on us.

And why can’t retailers speak in a language I understand? Cosmetic counters are the worst. One of those ladies behind the counter who was wearing more make up than Tammy Faye Baker—God rest her soul—asked me what season my wife was.

“What season?” I asked.

“Yes,” she answered. “She’s either a summer, spring, autumn or winter.”

“She’s a woman,” I thought. “Not a season.”

The lady went on to tell me that certain blushes look different on some women than they do on others, thus, women are categorized by seasons. 

As I stood at the counter, I couldn’t help but think that the clown face talking to me in her hoity toity condescending tone must be a winter because she had about two inches worth of precipitation on her face in the form of blush, rouge and mud.

Women like makeup, but should men actually consider giving it to them at Christmas? Wouldn’t they be insulted?

“What? I’m not pretty enough for you just the way I am?” She might ask.

Oops. Perhaps giving a woman makeup makes her feel the same way you might feel when somebody offers you a Certs.

“What? Are you trying to tell me I have dragon-breath?”

Okay, so dresses and makeup are out. There is always perfume. But being that I have a poor sense of smell, perfume usually doesn’t work for me. And we don’t want our wives to smell too good or some Casanova sitting in the adjacent booth at Arby’s might get a whiff and before you know it she is sharing her curly fries with a stranger.

Also, once again, you don’t want to imply that your wife stinks and needs some high potent perfume to cut the odor. But what do men really know about perfume anyway? Smells that we enjoy aren’t always the ones women enjoy. 

Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing more wonderful than a woman—preferably my wife—wearing perfume that has a soft hint of rose petals or fragrant potpourri or a sweet summer bouquet. But if you ask the average guy to list his favorite smells, they could range from fried chicken and chili dogs to Magic Markers and gasoline that has spilled over while filling up his pickup.

I really don’t think your wife would be too thrilled if you gave her perfume named Ode to Biscuits Right Out of the Oven. Yes, I admit they smell awful good, but remember she probably doesn’t want to attend a New Year’s Eve party smelling like freshly baked bread.

Okay, so dresses and makeup and perfume are out. So what’s left? Jewelry. Most males know as much about jewelry as they do about dresses and make up and perfume. Growing up, our only exposure to jewelry was the prizes we got at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box. But I wouldn’t suggest putting a ring formed in plastic under the tree for that special someone this year. Also, most jewelry is accompanied with a certain amount of gold and diamonds; two more things of which we have very little knowledge. We do know that gold is mined from the Earth, is stored at Fort Knox and is very, very expensive. As for diamonds, they are measured in carats, which are those crunchy orange things in a salad. I rest my case.

Okay, so dresses and makeup and perfume and jewelry are out of the picture. What’s left? I guess I’m back to that unconditional love thing. Why not? I’ll give it a try. Women love nice words and poetry right? So I’ll get her nothing and merely tell her how much I love her. If you don’t see my column in the paper the week after Christmas, you’ll know she didn’t like my idea and cashed in my life insurance policy for some dresses, makeup, perfume and jewelry.

Wish me luck.